If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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