so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
