i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
