how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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