: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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