it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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