Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
