I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
