I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
