I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
