Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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