fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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