sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
