the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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