I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
