The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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