True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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