he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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