Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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