i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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