the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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