I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
