Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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