Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
