for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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