My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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