I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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