I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
