the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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