cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Less talking, more tequila
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
