He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
