When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
