Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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