I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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