She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he fucked my hip out of place.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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