This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
