Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize