Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize