I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
