I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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