I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
