hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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