I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
