Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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