She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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