I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
