you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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