Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
