I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
