White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Vodka?
Forever.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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