I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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