just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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