i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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