they need to just BURY HIM!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
