Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
